Work stress: will it ever go away?

Work is often a cause of significant stress in our lives. How many of us get to spend our days doing something to which we’re fully dedicated and in which we’re engaged? And how many of us are aligned fully with the mission or vision of our employers? When you think about what you would do if you won the lottery tomorrow, it’s probably not keep going to work as you do now. Maybe you’d want the mental stimulation; maybe you’re one of the lucky folks who feel a sense of purpose from your employment or career. But you’d probably change how you spend the vast majority of your days.

A glimpse into my work experiences

I’ve worked in a number of jobs that haven’t fulfilled me, that have frustrated me, and which I downright couldn’t wait to leave. And, I was pretty honest with most of my supervisors about my general mental state as it related to work, as I’m not someone who can easily hide feeling untrue to myself. (I also had the self-knowledge that moving up a totem pole wasn’t going to be fulfilling to me, so I never internalized any burden of pretending everything at work was okay to ensure I’d be considered for promotions.) 

Eventually, I needed therapy because work was destroying my self-image and self-worth. I was miserable showing up to work; I was miserable all day at work; I was miserable when work followed me home and miserable when it followed me into bed (literally: I edited briefs in bed). I was a litigator at the time, which may not surprise anyone reading this. (Many lawyers could benefit greatly from therapy; and if you’re a lawyer or law student who’s stumbled upon this blog, I’d be happy to work with you. I understand what that world is like.) But even outside the world of litigation, work caused me different types of stress.

Years ago, I interned with several reproductive justice nonprofits; I loved the work; I believed in the mission; I loved my activist colleagues; and I was angry. In fact, I felt so angry I sometimes worried about whether I’d internally combust. I felt rage at folks who wanted to deny people bodily autonomy–and I still do. But while doing this work, I realized I couldn’t do it long-term because of how dysregulated my body felt and how hard it was for me to step away from the constant need to do more because reproductive autonomy never seemed to be on stable footing, even before Roe v. Wade was overturned. I still participate in this cause–but not on a daily basis.

In addition to litigation making me miserable (as described above), I found it demoralizing and soul-destroying. The role constrained very basic modes of self-expression. One of the partners for whom I worked told me that he didn’t pay his associates to wear purple to court. Like a purple shell under my black suit jacket. He told me to wear neutral colors when I went to court. Among so many other problems I had with this law firm (like so many), my rebellious nature took over: fine, you don’t want me wearing a perfectly appropriate purple shirt under my jacket? I’ll wear neutrals: black fishnets under my feminine (insert eyeroll) black suit skirts and with my knee-high black boots. Think that makes me more professional? Or how about when I pierce my nose because my employer has no business dictating my appearance. Seriously. (Judges actually commented on the nose ring when I attended court because apparently that was all too novel for a courtroom appearance. In this century!) I could go on endlessly about how this job caused significant stress, leading to physical health issues and canceled vacations and ruptured personal relationships.

Then, there was community mental health. I hold a lot of appreciation for the often thankless and draining work providers do at such organizations, AND employees need to make a living. I worked four part-time jobs while working full-time in community mental health to try to pay my rent and my student loans, and I still ran up a ton of credit card debt. Sometimes, when our work can’t pay the bills, those of us who are privileged enough to find other options might exercise those choices even if it means entering a field we were trying to avoid. Financial stressors may require career changes or sacrificing passion in favor of financial stability. I know that while some of us would love to work for a cause or dedicate ourselves to helping a specific population, financial well-being and security can only be sacrified so much. 

And I’ve worked in higher education. Where, as someone I recently met said, decisions move at slower than glacial speed. And bureaucracy often prevents the glacier from moving at all. The parts of me that value efficiency, logical systems, and autonomy struggled in this setting. The great part of that job, though, was working with students during some of the hardest parts of their lives. 

I share all this because from each of these jobs, I’ve learned countless lessons about myself as a worker. I’ve been able to reflect on what my needs in relation to each of these career roles and identify what I want moving forward. Part of me chuckles when I realize my high school self likely was wise enough to share some of these lessons with my current self. Parts of ourselves shouldn’t be sacrificed, even in the name of career or money.

There’s no magic pill, just as there’s no perfect job (for most of us)

Most of us have to work; that’s inescapable unless you’re independently wealthy thanks to some privilege bestowed upon you. Some of us get the “Sunday scaries” or “Sunday blues”; or maybe you did before Covid allowed you to work from home on Mondays. (Now you might feel that pit in your stomach some other day of the week.) Maybe your work environment feels toxic because of your boss or your boss’s boss or coworkers or the workplace culture. Maybe you believe you’re experiencing discrimination, harassment, or retaliation. (A little insight here: the law’s definition of these is likely significantly different from your belief regarding what the law’s definition should be. And there are many explanations for this.) Maybe you just want more autonomy and feel like your work schedule sucks or you don’t get to exercise your own judgment. 

Often, folks think there’s some magical job out there. They might apply to a new job only to find that the schedule is better, but now their boss micromanages them. Or rather than apply to a new job, they decide they want a career change–but don’t realize how much work, time, or income that may entail. Or because they don’t think changing jobs or careers will bring about what they want, they ask their employer to address whatever conflicts are occuring in the workplace. Sadly, the grass isn’t always greener somewhere else, and there’s rarely a solution that a magic wand produces.

One of the lessons I’ve learned from my own therapy and years of being an employee is you only can change yourself, even in work. You can’t make your boss see things your way, though you can assert your position and provide rationale for why you think you’re right (if your boss is one who will actually listen–and not all bosses will). Discovering in what way you can bring about the change that you need might require deep inquiry and introspection. 

The right therapist can support you as you struggle with what’s going on at work. They can help you understand realistically what your options are and hopefully set realistic expectations based on what’s important to you. If you’re struggling with work on an emotional level–or if work has started to creep into your physical health (think high blood pressure, inability to sleep, pain or discomfort for which medical tests aren’t uncovering a real reason), it might make sense to seek relief from a therapist. 

If you’d like to work together, please reach out.